Friday, 5 February 2016
GPI's Perfect Match: Carmen Jenner - Cooper Ryan and Ali Jones
Stand Alone/Series Title: Revelry (Taint #1)
Author: Carmen Jenner
Welcome back to Glass Paper Ink’s PERFECT MATCH, we know we’re usually matching couples up here at GPI but we’ve decided to do things a little differently for Valentine’s Day, one of our lucky finalists will walk away with a grand prize of a ROMANTIC GETAWAY TO A DESTINATION OF THEIR CHOOSING TO THE VALUE OF $50,000.
Kristine: Please welcome our next guests….Cooper Ryan, lead singer from worldwide sensation Taint, fresh off a world tour and his lady love Ali Jones, lets get straight into it shall we?
Kristine: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Ali: Hell no!
Ali: *looks at Cooper* Wait, what?
Coop: *looks at Ali* What do you mean no?
Ali: I hated you when I first met you.
Coop: *frowning* Well, hate is kind of a strong word.
Ali: No it’s not, I really hated you.
Kristine: Ooookay...well that wasn’t really the answer I was looking for... *shrugs*
Ali: Sorry, but I just don’t think you can fall in love with someone straight up like that. Lust maybe, but not love.
Coop: It was love at first sight when I met you.
Ali: That’s because I was on my knees with my face about three inches from your penis, arsehat.
Kristine: Okay lets try this...how do you know that each other was "the one"?
Ali: For me it was on the tour bus, when he sang to me the first time, alone.
Coop: You hate my singing.
Ali: No, I hate your music, there’s a difference.
Coop: Right. *Sighs* Loved the world over by groupies, brought back down to earth by the realist girlfriend.
Ali: *folds arms and faces Coop* Alright then, when did you know that I was “the one”?
Coop: The second you fell at my feet.
*Ali rolls her eyes*
Coop: And then chewed me out, and called me an entitled arsehat.
Kristine: Tell me about your first Valentines Day together?
Coop: Well, technically this is our first, but hopefully it’s the first of many.
Ali: Jesus, you’re a suck up.
Coop: What? I can’t wish for many more Valentine’s Days in which to make you fall even more hopelessly in love with me.
Ali: Oh, you can wish. Keep that up and wishing is all you’ll have, butt munch.
Kristine: I feel like this isn't the lovey dovey interview I was expecting...*sighs* ummm what are your plans for this Valentines Day?? Come on you can tell me *winks* I'll keep it a secret...
Both: *shouting* Privacy!
Kristine: *expression pales*
Coop: Sorry, Kristine, we’d love to tell you but we’ve been burned before when it came to divulging details about our sex life.
Ali: What Coop’s trying to say is that after our sex tape went viral, and I’ve had countless inappropriate propositions from strangers and hordes of women had offered to make their own magic with Coop on film, we’re really secretive about our private life.
Coop: Yeah, we’re pretty tight-lipped about our bedroom activities, but you can be sure this Valentine’s will involve the two of us, a beach somewhere, and a lot of naked flesh.
Kristine: *smirks and looks at Ali*
Ali: Nice, Coop.
Coop: *throwing up his hands* Well, you wanna win, don’t you?
Ali: *shakes head*
What would be the ultimate Valentines Day present you could receive this year?
Ali: A Paparazzi-free day.
Coop: *grabs Ali’s hand and squeezes* Yeah, that would be nice.
Ali: But since that’s unlikely to happen, tickets to Kings of the Iron Age’s concert and another invite to Josh Holme’s place.
Coop: You know that’s never happening, right? You and your fangirling scared the shit out of him last time.
Ali: I do not fangirl.
Coop: *gives Ali a pointed look* The best present Ali-Cat could give me, aside from her sweet puss—
Coop: Right, sorry. I’d like her to pretend, just for one day, to be my biggest fan.
Ali: Aww, it really hurts your feelings that I don’t worship at your feet like all your little groupies, doesn’t it?
Coop: You have no idea.
Kristine: I think I already know the answer to this one, but what would you rather, a big flashy gift with a night out on the town or a quiet night at home together?
Ali: Although, it might be fun to make you don a wig and one of those big handlebar moustaches so we could leave the hotel room without being followed.
Coop: *smirking* Admit it, that isn’t why you want me to wear a handlebar moustache.
Ali: No, it’s not.
Coop: *smiles conspiratorially at Ali* Remind me to ask our driver to stop at a costume store on the way back to the hotel.
Kristine: *coughs* ummm...So tell me what's the most romantic thing you've ever done for each other?
Coop: I don’t know, I’m kind of a douche.
Ali: It’s true, you are.
Coop: *to Ali* Have I done anything romantic for you?
Ali: Well, you did fly halfway across the world on my birthday just to spend a few short hours with me.
Coop: Oh yeah, I kinda rock this boyfriend shit. *shoots Ali a quizzical look* What have you done for me?
Ali: I chose you, dumbarse.
Coop: Remind me again why this is a good thing.
Ali: You know I still have Levi on speed dial. *pulls out cell phone* I could give him a call and see if he wants to—
Coop: Touch a single button on that phone and I will put you over my knee and spank you like a naughty little girl in front of everyone here.
Ali: *smirks* Is it wrong that I’m tempted to mash my whole hand against it?
Coop: *grinding teeth* Just try me, Ali-Cat.
Kristine: Ok how well do you know your partner time, GPI's Fast Five:
Top or Bottom?
Ali: *winks at Kristine* Our sex life is very interesting.
Coop: *nodding* A lot of stuff ends up broken.
Ali: Thankfully, nothing that counts.
Sexiest feature on each other?
Ali: Can I say his penis?
Kristine: Ummmm...sure I guess so...we can edit this later...
Coop: *glares at Ali* That’s my sexiest feature?
Ali: What’s wrong with that?
Coop: It’s a bit literal, don’t you think?
Ali: *rolls eyes* Fine. His hands.
Coop: Hands? Seriously? It’s like you’re not even trying to win this thing.
Ali: Hands *gives Coop a pointed look* because of what they can do: write music, strum a guitar, play with other things that probably shouldn’t be mentioned in front of a studio audience … Do you see where I’m going with this now?
Coop: *nods* Hands it is. I’m having a hard time with choosing just one, but I’m going with her nose.
Ali: *laughs incredulously* My nose?
Coop: *shrugs* It’s a sexy nose.
Ali: You were dropped on your head as a baby, right?
Kristine: *guffaws* ...sorry... *shrugs
Biggest turn off that each other does?
Ali: How long do we have?
Ali: *turns to Coop* Okay that right there. Who uses the word ditto?
Coop: I’m retracting my answer. Ali Jones is perfect in every way and there is nothing that she does that turns me off.
Ali: *punches Cooper in the arm*
Coop: Ow! What the fuck?
Kristine: *looks at production assistant* that will have to bleeped out later too...
Ali: You just made me look like a complete bitch.
Coop: Well, if the Converse fits, princess.
Kristine: Three words to describe each other?
Kristine: *looks at production assistant again* and that...
Coop: Feisty as fuck.
Kristine: and that *rolls eyes*
Ali: Irritating as fuck.
Kristine: First thing you thought when you saw each other for the first time?
Ali: Ouch, you thought ouch? Or ouch that hurt? Cause you know I’ve called you a lot worse.
Coop: Ouch, as in this woman is going to hurt me.
Ali: Why would just automatically assume I was going to hurt you?
Coop: Have you met you?
Ali: *punches coop in the arm again*
Kristine: Okay so we're almost done here *wipes brow* If you were to win GPI's Perfect Match, what destination would you pick for your holiday?
Ali: We could tell you—
Coop: But we’d have to kill you.
Ali: Well, now we’re definitely not going to win. You can’t threaten the host, Coop. Jesus. So … in the unlikely event that we win. I’d pick a remote cabin in the Swiss Alps. No one around for miles, some great vinyl records, hot coffee and—
Coop: Fucking by the fireside.
Kristine: *rolls eyes* and that...
Ali: I was going to say plenty of alone time because you will be staying here, dumbarse.
Coop: Err … what she said. Happy wife, happy—
Ali: Stop talking now.
Kristine: andddddd where done here, let's call a wrap... *puts head in hands*
To Vote for Ali and Cooper - Call 1300-GPI-CARMEN
*Voting lines close at midnight on 13th February 2016.*
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Purchase Revelry: http://amzn.to/1Ks0ysN